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Cort Marshall

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Cort Marshall last won the day on July 7 2021

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About Cort Marshall

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    British Columbia

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    Cars, games, wrestling, sleep, yapapi indian strap matches

Occupation

  • Occupation
    Cashier

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    misfire33

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  1. Much like a premise afraid of a plot, like a syndicated TV show designed to milk uneducated Americans for every toy ad and awkward tone-deaf interpretation of an international conflict they’ll swallow, we return to where we’ve always been--somewhere backstage. An interview room. There’s a large CHAOS THEORY mural, the featured PPV competitors lined up against grey brickwork, accented with a splash of red paint. In front of it stands an irritated looking Cort Marshall, rocking the full denim jacket, hands on his hips. Next to him is Jim Black, looking sharp and professional in a suit as always, sweating slightly under the stage lights. Jim: Fans, CHAOS THEORY, coming up SOON, May 21st… our Canadian viewers may be gearing up for Victoria Day and the May long weekend, but before summer fun comes one of the most challenging and unique pay-pre-view events in wrestling, featuring something the man standing to my right is not very happy about! Cort mutters something too far away from the microphone to pick up. Jim: Jaysin Sensation has spun the wheel of Chaos and the number has come up, Cort Marshall and OWEN will be facing off under British Rules! Cort cuts in. Cort: And I’d like to step in and ask if that wheel is exactly as random as he claims it is. How coincidental that he lands on a stipulation specifically angled towards the home country of the man I’m facing. I didn’t see “American Rules” anywhere on that wheel, Jim. Jim chuckles. Jim: Well, really, every match in OCW under normal circumstances takes place under “American” rules. Cort: As they damn well should be. I had to look up what the hell British Rules were, Jim, and I have to tell you, this sounds like some convoluted crap meant to hide the gas tanks of fifty-something Glaswegian half-tons locking in wheezy headlocks until the ref lets them take a breather. Jim: I’m sure OWEN would disagree with you, about the pedigree of British wrestling… Cort: Well I don’t give a hoot about the pedigree! What I wanted was a REGULAR two-out-of-three falls match, so we could finally close the book on this shindig. Get your absolute, clear winner, no ropebreak controversy or anything else. Let me move on, and restart my momentum in peace. Cort: Well the wheel spun and the monkey’s paw curled, Jim, and we got our two-out-of-three falls, but with three minute rounds, so just as I get my hands around OWEN’s waist for a Cortbuster… they could call the round and I’d have to go back to the corner and sulk like it’s boxing. Jim: And any pinfalls cause a round-end break, too. Cort: Don’t even get me started on that. So it can end in a time limit draw, it can end in a judges’ decision… I’m not happy, Jim. I feel like that big stupid wheel is playing a joke on me, and I’m not in the mood for jokes. Cort: So what this means, I guess, is I’m going to have to come out of the gate firing on all cylinders. I doubt anyone in the crowd wants a tie, I doubt anyone wants a win on points--they want a pinfall for the three, Jim, and that’s what I’m going to give them, or get done in trying. All this--mess--in OCW has been digging away at me week after week, and it’s time I get it all OUT. He nods sharply to the camera, looking back at Jim and then off into the distance offscreen. Jim: Well thank you for your time, Sergeant…
  2. I'mma be watchin the show during time off, appreciate the good words about our match, Dane put in hella work on the production side which I'm sure most people know I avoid as much as possible because I'm lazy. The heavy not ending the match was like, I mashed finisher, realized I had no stamina, wasn't sure what to do to keep him down long enough to get stamina back but not enough to run out of debuff. I figured being down 2 revs sucks but being down two and getting the fin reversed, giving him a free one at zero revs on my end was more dangerous than that. So just hit a reg move and trust that he prrrrobably can't get me without a fin and he can't sub yet cause he hasn't hit one. That was my panic thinking.
  3. We cut backstage, where Jim Black is walking through the halls of the arena, seemingly looking for someone. He passes by Hollywood USA, who are clustered around one of those big jug water coolers. Jehst is trying to get some water, but it isn’t working. He pushes the handle two or three times… nothin’ doing. Meanwhile, Cort calls out to Jim. Cort: Hey! Jim looks around. Cort: Hey Jim! You busy? Jim looks at the camera, silently responding with “no sh*t sherlock.” Jim: Well, yes. Cort: That’s great. Come over here. I got another interview for you. Jim grimaces but gestures the camera closer anyway, while Jehst complains at the water machine. Cort: I won’t take too much of your time, but I just figured after all that went on at Lution, I better make a few things clear. Jehst: Damn it! Hollywood is THIRSTY for some water juice! Cort: So first of all, Hollywood Money isn’t going a--oh jesus. The camera darts back to Jehst, who has lifted up the water cooler into a gorilla press, and is catching *some* of the water in his mouth. The rest of it splashes everywhere, onto the ground, onto Cort, and half of it down Justin’s own shirt. Cort stares in awe before Jehst puts it back down, gasping. Jehst: MUCH BETTER. How am I supposed to hydrate after my workouts if the damn machines don’t work? I mean, where’s the ticket sale money going? Jim: … Very Impressive. Anyway, I believe you were saying something about your team? Jehst: Oh, yeah. You guys all saw Lucha Country! Horrible. Cort nods. Cort: Typical luchador, does so many flips his whole brain flips with him. How could you do that to the most dangerous refrigerator and nicest man in OCW? His mom gives people free BBQ! FREE. BBQ. Jehst: We’re not about that. Hollywood USA has been going solo-dolo for a while… but we’re still a team. And we want to make it clear if anybody wants a tag team competition, our schedules are free… Cort holds up a finger. Cort: In between putting Maxx Edwards back on the five dollar rental rack next to Ice Pirates and Fateful Findings. Jehst chuckles and flexes. Jim: Yes, congratulations on your win on the big stage--word is management is very impressed with your performance lately! Jehst: Needless to say, the Jehst Man impressed... man! Jim: And Cort, obviously not so successful at Wrestlution Fifteen, but I’m sure you have some words about that. Cort wraps an insincere arm around Jim’s shoulders. Cort: Jim, do I got words about everything? Yes. Yes I do. And let me tell you them. Jim makes another face while Cort continues. Cort: Sure, I lost. That’s fine. I went about thirty tough minutes in there with two of the best. And I did what I said I was gonna do. I kicked Iceman’s ass for being such a slimey weirdo--ring post powerbomb anyone--and I proved to Rust Cohle I am EXACTLY the man I say I am. No bullshit, no sneaky business, and if I had locked in just one Cortplex you KNOW that match woulda been over in half the time. Cort: I wish Mr. Frenchblade the best in his future endeavors, and even better if they don’t involve losing his mind in a conspiracy against me, please and thank you. Jim: Now, that’s not all that happened involving you at Wrestlution… need I mention the man whose expensive interview set you just ruined, Dane Xavier? Cort: Indeed’t you needn’t. Listen. I know this guy is a legend by whatever metric--titles, trophies, having been here before the age of the dinosaurs I guess--but I don’t care. That’s all fine and dandy. Congrats to him. But he wants to clock me one with a diamond ring after I’ve already gotten hit in the head, what, a hundred times that night? Cort: Sorry bub, that’s a dirty move. And dirty moves get payback. You, and Dillinger, and Vajazzle or whatever her name is don’t just get free shots on the Cortster. Whatever you wanna do here in OCW, that’s your business; but mess with me, Mister Diamonds on the Soles of his Shoes, and I’ll be sending you back to Graceland. Cort holds up a can of Milwaukee's best and smiles, toothily. Cort: Sorry about your chair, bro. Jim: Well, thank you… I think… for the colourful words as always. One can only imagine what the future holds for the tag team titles, and I’m sure both these men are very curious to find out. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got somewhere to be!
  4. Holly Hunter beating up an old woman is good heat brother
  5. We arrive backstage in a nondescript arena hallway, where Cort marshall is standing in front of a green screen, trying out various heroic poses with his Pride Championship. We’re watching from what looks like a phone video, so the main setup is in view, crew included. First Cort tries the Superman, hands on hips and chest out, belt standing in for bright red undies. Then he hefts it to his shoulder, staring stoically off into the distance. He puts up a fist, as if ready to fight the cameraman. Then, he takes the belt off and smiles at it, pointing at it as if to say “oh you!” The crew laugh, and Cort puts the belt back around his waist. Cort: … Use that one at your discretion. So, what are we doing for backgrounds? The man behind the main camera leans out to answer. Crew: Well, usually we just have it be blank so it can go up on the website… or on magazines, and so on. Cort: Modern, tasteful web design? Lame! Where’s the exploding volcanoes! Tyrannosaurus Rexes! And not with feathers, that’s a zoomer scientist psyop. Maybe… perched atop a mountain of beer cans--an apocalyptic city rises in the background, smoke pillars brushing the angry red sky… title it… Beyond Hoosierdome. Crew: I-I’ll have to ask the boss about that one… Cort: Wait! No! Photoshop me into a 38 Special album cover. I’m thinking… Wild-Eyed Southern Boys. And have the title where the lady’s butt would go. I’m the guy on the left smiling. Crew: I will absolutely NOT ask the boss about that one. Please don’t get me fired. I got onlyf--kids to feed. Cort laughs and slaps him on the back, eliciting a wince. Cort: YOU’RE FUNNY. That’s why I like ya… whatever your name is. I’m kidding. Use whatever you want. I’m not some kind of egotistical maniac. He drags a little plastic chair in front of the screen and sits down, posing with his hand on his cheek and a leg crossed. Cort: I’m just a humble, approachable, man of the people who you can cut into pee en gee format and license out for money. Behind him, we see a shadow rise up behind the green screen. A hand grabs the top, and rips the whole shindig down! The metal poles holding it up clatter to the ground, and Cort jumps, turning around in his chair to see KD Angelo! The crew stand back, well aware of the danger this man poses when in a bad mood. Or any mood, really. KD: Interrupting something? Cort: As a matter of fact, you are. I’m here trying to provide the fans a nice, friendly mugshot. You know, the face of… a champion. Someone the kids can look up to. He looks KD up and down. KD grabs Cort’s chair and wrenches it sideways, clattering it against the cement wall. Cort stumbles to his feet. KD: What’s THAT supposed to mean? Cort frowns. Cort: Oh, you know, someone who doesn’t call someone a member of the Klan on live TV. Someone who doesn’t throw around accusations like Spider throws matches. KD shakes his head. KD: I’m well aware of your history. And you ain’t fooling me just because you smile for the camera. KD lashes out again and pushes one of said cameras over as the crew member cries out in anguish! Crew: These things are EXPENSIVE! KD pushes a finger into Cort’s chest. KD: I know the kinda man you are. And you know the kind of man I AM. I don’t need to smile for the camera. People look at me and they’re afraid. They respect me. You cling to that title like it means something in the hands of a hateful little pretender. Cort: PRETEND, HUH? I’m sorry, where was your name on the list of people called out to go fight in some godforsakened war? I have put my LIFE on the line for my country and you want to go on television acting like I’m some racist trash. Cort: Nuh-uh. You don’t get that right. You just waltz in and say whatever you like, DO whatever you like, because you’re “Big KD,” “The Gatekeeper,” because you’ve been here forever and ever and no matter what you do Sensation won’t reign you in. Cort: I got news for you. I’ve done and said some bad sh*t. But I’m a changed man. You’re the same man you always were--a tough talking, ignorant bully who thinks being seven feet tall makes him invincible. Cort: … You ain’t. KD smiles. KD: No… I’m not. Cort tilts his head before KD looses a big chop out of nowhere, knocking the wind out of him. KD: But neither are you. And you started something with me! Something you know you can’t finish! Cort stands back up straight, and stares KD in the eyes. Cort: … That all you’ve got? KD shakes his head and jumps forward at Cort! Cort goes low, aiming for the stomach, while KD lands big fists to Cort’s back. They scuffle past the crew’s setup, and KD pushes Cort over another one of their chairs. Cort tumbles over it and KD follows, picking Cort up as he tries to get to his feet and scoop slamming him on the concrete! The title falls off his waist, and KD picks it up. KD: Funny how much better it looks when it’s off of you.. Cort groans on the ground, grunting in response. Security are now arriving, and they push KD away from the downed champion while he keeps hold of the title. Cort rises to his feet, battered but not giving up. Cort: COME ON. I’M NOT DONE. He tries to force past the security but they keep him back. KD turns around to walk away, title on his shoulder. Cort: DON’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME! KD pauses, as if he forgot something. He pretends to notice the title on his shoulder, and acts shocked before tossing it over the heads of security to land in Cort’s hands. After that, he continues walking, and the last shot we see is of Cort’s enraged face staring after him.
  6. We cut to an old CRT TV glowing in a dark room. TV: And that concludes the 45th annual Arizona National Dog Show! Remember to tune in next year for more old men in suits closely inspecting inbred dog’s buttholes for points. The camera pulls back, revealing a room haphazardly stuffed with American iconography, military memorabilia, and lethal-looking THINGS like what appears to be a Street Sweeper shotgun sitting in a large ice cream tub. In the middle of the room sits Cort Marshall, who sighs and changes the channel. TV: Today in politics, Ted Cruz has been found chanting in an unknown language at the foot of the giant butter cow. Friends and family assure ABC news that this behaviour is completely normal. Cort: NEXT. The channel switches to a rerun of Star Trek, the Next Generation… Cort: FINALLY some good f*cking television! The scene changes and we see two women awkwardly fighting in an electrified stripper pole arena. Cort’s face quickly falls. Cort: Oh god, it’s season one! He sit up turns the TV off in retribution, then falls back into the pillow-like couch. Cort: My friends have retirement pensions, my coworkers have championships… all I got is season one TNG… Suddenly, his phone rings. He reaches across to pick it up—an old rotary job, on the table next to the couch. Cort: ‘Yello, Marshall estate. If this is the feds, NO, I do not still have the uranium. Indistinct chatter from the other end of the line. Cort: Oh, mom, hi. --- No, I haven’t visited you yet. --- Yes, that makes me a bad son. Listen, I JUST got back yesterday, I—Yes, I’m still wrestling. --- No, I didn’t win. I got on the most matches list but… He kneads the bridge of his nose. Cort: Yes. Yes I would like some macaroni and cheese. Thank you. I’ll come over tomorrow, all right? All right. He hangs up, knocking his wallet off the arm of the couch in the process. Picking it up, he sees the edge of the ticket inside. Cort: Oh, right, forgot to check that. Might as well! He whips his keys out and starts scratching the ticket, raising his eyebrows as he’s halfway done. Cort: They always lead you on in the first half. He continues scratching, and… Cort squints. Cort: No, that can’t be right. He grabs a pair of reading glasses. His eyes grow wide. Cort: HOE. LEE. SH*T. He whips the glasses across the room and picks up the phone again, quick as a flash. Cort: MOMMA, I’VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS!
  7. Location: Luke Air Force Base. We’re in a hangar, with Cort walking towards an old F-16, being worked on at the moment. A man in his mid fourties is examining the jets, marking down on his clipboard as he does. Cort smiles, raises a hand. Cort: Heya chief! The man doesn’t look up, continuing to scribble. Chief: That’s SIR if you have any self-preservation instin--hey, wait a minute. He puts the pen down and turns, scowl turning into a grin as he sees Cort. Chief: Cort Marshall! As I live and breathe! Cort: Ah, that’s no way to greet an old friend! Chief: You’re right… soldier, your uniform is ALL out of order! Drop and give me twenty! Cort: Well I could. But I wouldn’t want to make you look bad! They laugh and hug. A MANLY hug. Like two trucks. Chief: I thought you were making it big in the big apple! What brought you back here? Cort: You ain’t been watchin’ the shows, then! He laughs, a bit sadly. The mechanic scratches his thinning, frizzy hair sheepishly. Chief: Well, you know… Cort puts both hands in front. Cort: I know, I know. Boxing, your first love and only date. If they’re not wearing gloves and bouncing on their feet you don’t wanna see it. Chief: I’m a man of tradition! Cort waves at the old jet. Cort: So I see. Got tired of being out there in the sh*t, eh? Keeping the dinosaur fleet in good shape? Chief: The best! And you know--when whatever fancy new flavor of the week they spend 80 billion on starts screwin’ the pooch--right back here is where they’re gonna come. He pats the jet on the tail. Chief: Back to the tried-and-true. No society ever moved past chicken sandwiches. Cort shakes his head. Cort: Wishful thinkin’, don’t you figure? Everything gets outmoded eventually. Some things age like disco, some like rock ‘n’ roll, but everything goes outta style. Chief: Heh, you talkin’ about us or the planes! Cort shrugs. Cort: Wrestling doesn’t really have a retirement plan… The chief winces. Chief: Me, I got a nice pension coming… but what are you talking about, you’re in damn good shape for… He rolls his hand around, trying to think. Cort: Thirty-eight. Chief: Yeah! You don’t look a day over 36 and a half! Seeing Cort not crack a smile in response, he tries a different tack. Chief: Look, I ain’t jokin’. Some guys around here would probably do worse in PT than you and they’re 20-something. Cort smirks. Cort: Like Myron back then? Chief: EXACTLY. Like. Myron. You oughtta see it, man--there’s thirty, fourty Myrons around here. ‘Course they ain’t named Myron anymore. They got names like Eden and Doink and Beheverlay… millennials. Tell you what! Lose the cameras and we go out drinking tonight. Cort: Your old lady’s fine with that? What about your blood sugar? Chief: Special occasion. Trust me, you are gonna love the stories… Cort: And you aren’t gonna believe HALF of mine. Chief: Don’t be so sure! He claps Cort on the back and we fade out, with Cort still talking. Cort: No, no, a guy lived in a box for literal weeks. WEEKS! Then he became a top champion…
  8. A parking lot late at night, on the outskirts of Glendale Arizona. Old-style red gas pumps brighten up the dusty lot, fluorescents drawing traffic in like moths. A busted-up truck pulls in, and Cort Marshall slumps out, tired from the long drive. He looks around for a second, taking in the long-gone familiar sights, before heading into the store. *Brring* The door jingle brings an employee out of his magazine. He looks up and squints, studying the visitor. Employee: Good evenin’. Cort nods, walking by, stopping and studying the soda coolers while rolling back and forth on his feet. The cashier takes another look before his eyes drop back to the magazine, a cowboy revolver standing proudly on the cover. After a moment, Cort snags a monster energy schizophrenic volcano power java, or whatever the coffee ones are called. Employee: Late night? The cashier asks wryly, smile twitching his bushy orange ‘stache. Cort nods. Cort: Long haul. I tell ya, the old girl never dies, but she ain’t very agreeable on the highway. Employee: Wife? Cort laughs. Cort: Truck. Employee: Ah. The employee peeks out the window. Employee: The old Chev? Cort: Yup. 73. Was my cheap, just-outta-school ride. Figured I’d drive it till it gave out. Employee: That’s the thing about them oldies. Until they rust apart they don’t really go. He holds up a finger. Employee: It’s the old sayin’--a Chevy will run badly longer than most cars’ll run at all. Cort: Haha, yeah, ain’t that right. Old American iron. Don’t make it like them anymore. The cashier tilts his head. Employee: ‘Course now they make em with airbags. Cort: True, true. Cort’s eyes slide over to the pepperoni sticks. Not slim jims. Because those are disgusting and slimy and thin, like the meth addict version of a meat snack. Nah. He picks one out and places it down on the desk too. Cort: Ah, hell. It’s been a shit week. Gimme a doughnut too. Employee: Well, what happened? Cort: Just my job. One of those times where you wonder if you’re really cut out for what you’re doin’ to get paid, y’know? Employee: Boss bein’ a hassle? Cort: Nope. All me. Just tired and old and… grumpy. Employee: Well, I’d love to retire. But ya don’t exactly rake in cash at the gas pumps. Cort: So the buck fifty markup on the doughnut’s all goin’ to the owner huh? The cashier laughs. Employee: Yup! Speakin’ of… that’ll be sixty-three fifty, with the gas. Cort shakes his head. Cort: Y’know, I don’t hurt for money the way some people do, but you almost gotta be rich to survive these days. He looks down, and his eye catches the scratch tickets. The camera follows, passing over lazy clipart leprechauns and desperate slogans. His eyes land on one… Bill Billiamson’s COWBOY BILLIONS! The golden ticket is presented by what is basically Boss Hogg, arms stretched wide to sell the idea that ANYONE could strike it rich like an oil baron by buying a ticket! Cort: Eh, why not. Cort adds the ticket to the bill and pays, bidding goodbye to the front desk jockey. He steps out into the night, breathing in the combo of clean night air, petrol, rubber, and concrete that permeate the urban sprawl. The camera sits behind him as he stares out at the city, eating his pepperoni stick. Cort: Home, huh.
  9. Compliments so backhanded you can call him pimp hand sensation, but I'll take it. Short notes: - Nice to see Tucker with a proper story. Very good promo from Caine, JT seems like the rookie with the most upwards trajectory rn, though Asher and Mantis are doing well. Oh, I forgot Watts was a rookie. Is he? Him too. Anyway, JT gets to get past his catchphrase into a proper feud, so, look out for this one. - I can see this shrimp thing with jackmo getting tiring. It's funny now, just watch out for pulling a WWE and overdoing it. - Happy to see Austin's back. With a fat gimmick. That seems to be a common thing. Danny's going HAM. Finisher looks monstrous, one of my faves. - Drago's not allowed to be sad, it's a crime against humanity - The women's title tussle is iffy for me RN. I'm sure it'll be a great match, and there's plenty of star power, but it feels like a few people made alignment changes too fast to give it proper heat. Valk turned face in a kinda meh way, I feel it woulda been better if she took initiative and stopped emp from beating someone up or something to show she'd changed. Then she can get attacked. But just turning face by default cause someone kicked your ass doesn't quite mean they "deserve" the face reaction yet, if you know what I mean? It has been built with the diary and such but I woulda liked to have seen more agency. Meanwhile, Flojo is going face and Moore is going heel. Moore is a good heel but Flojo is kind of just a snarky bitch RN, add Emp and it's 3 heelish people and one face who's face because someone hit them really hard. Hopefully Flojo gets more facey as we go in to even out the balance a bit. Cool that Blaine is back tho, it is HBK Diesel esque. Just needs her to fiddle with her gloves every three seconds. - Speaking of alignment changes... PREVIOUSLY UNMENTIONED POOR KID FROM THE HOOD Doc Green cuts a great promo, and the character works, but I feel he shoulda been heel a bit longer. It's quite odd to go straight from "I'm gonna end these people's careers" to "cheer him he's beating up capitalism." Maybe he kinda skipped a few steps cause of our murky future, but like Valk I'm not quite ready to cheer someone who, again, turned face because someone else hit them. The segment was one of the best on the show, though. The empty box gag was classic wrestling bullshittery, I love it. - Baker is how you do an annoying shittalker as a face lol, I don't WANT to like him but B2O work very well together. Though... Tre isn't trying to get into your head, Harvey, he just beat you in a match. These Colorado people got fragile psyches! - Final segment was slightly messy, a few things I felt could have been written in a more clear way. But it's shaping up to be one monster of a feud with all these characters and storylines intersecting... I wish we had more time, because I feel after the inevitable multiman Rust and Quartz should have a more one on one blowoff of some sort. Rust's new theme and look are amazing. Lots of heat, you don't know what's gonna happen next. Trance is back! My bad for not being hype, I was like uhh shit whose theme is that in VP. Waiting to see what his deal is, hopefully next show. The Quartz/Rust situation is the most interesting to me in here, but I like that everyone has their own angle and easily discernible reasons for wanting the title and that comes out in matches. Like how with Wrex it's less personal and more YOU BEAT ME FUCK YOU GIB BELT BACK ARGH. Simple man. - Main event was very fun to play. I counted zero duckunders or similar reset winning moves! Kicking myself for missing the corner rev, lol.
  10. RIOT 549 REVIEW: ingest nut butter for cardiovascular health Everett and Sparks segment. Good promo. I like that Sparks is more confident with the title, more shittalky. Though as others have mentioned his character is mostly buoyed by winning momentum atm. We’ll see. Everett makes his points and makes them well, and like a face, only attacks once Sparks tries some fuck shit. Small point, “Ev’s gonna kill ya” as opposed to “Ev IS” removes a syllable and makes it more chantable. Elsa is GENRE SAVVY. Nice gag at the 4th wall without breaking it. Unfortunately, heels are smart and know how to lock doors. Pretty boiler-plate (hah) segment but it’s lines like “his black Pulp Fiction t-shirt can barely contain the rage in his veiny biceps alone.” that can elevate a regular promo into good territory. Jackmo! You came back and you were so apologetic and likable! And now you’re being a huge dick over shrimp! You detestable cad, you. His writing has been solidly great since returning, very amusing and immediately, like, memorable. Shame he’s going heel(?) so soon but it is a funny character. Both Johnny and Grimm lookin good as usual, Millionnaire’s ent is top 10 in the company fer sure. Big heel play with the one move and a pin lol. Slaps off a lock up and takes a big move for the trouble! Grimm is pounding johnny. Grimm gets him back with a fake pin as well. Grimm gets a rev but whiffs the follow up, unfortunate. Little bit of back away disease here. One early rev by Grimm and momentum shifts--watch the bars! Johnny nearly gets a 3 count out of kicking Leo in the anus. Lotta nice rope running sequences. Dick kicks and dancing, oh my. Awkward bit with the outside kicks, gotta run to dive sir. Two piledrivers and johnny seals it--aight match, got a bit awkward at the end but not bad. Johnny's a well played character, Leo has gotten a lot better. Damn Zoe Cohle is a huge bitch. Don’t listen to her, Rust! Sometimes family sucks! Very good dimensions to this thing with Quartz and Rust and many others; not just a simple “I’m in your shadow, mannnnn” thing, this time it’s others trying to sow seeds of distrust. We’ll see how this plays out. This was a very good RP with H2O, Heather and Terra. Terra hasn’t been out feuding but has still been very relevant RP wise, helping multiple characters develop. Probably the best of what you can do when you don’t have an active feud. Heather’s awkwardness apologizing is amusing, really enjoying her turn to going straight and being a face badass biker girl, like Blaine but far less cunty. H2O is a really nice supportive guy here… stark contrast to last week. I feel his character changes based on whatever the RP requires. Like one moment he’s chill and the next he’s peak dickhead HBK. It’s weird. It’s like every woman in this company rides a motorcycle. We being sponsored by Harley? Wait… Harvey… Harley… yeah. It’s all coming together. But wait, who was phone?????? Someone concerned with Valk’s health? Is it that chick who totally wanted to bang her last season? Anyway, very funny interactions with her and Emp here. Seems odd after all that hatred that they’re down to slapfights in elevators... like it needed more time to come down off of the emotional diary business, but I guess I need to read the promo room stuff. Jackmo’s ent is very good, great attire… wait, stunt cuck? Oh. Cock. Also get a tron, hippie. Danny has a great theme but his Jacket looking a lil budget. Hot start for Danny, kicking ass till jackmo sticks a disgusting shrimp finger in his mouth. Jackmo rolls out and heels it up. Into the ring post! Bad rev by Jackmo, WATCH THE BARS. Wrex’s fin. Ok. So far Jackmo’s been keepin up by a thread, but all his momentum keeps gettin stuffed. GIANT SWING! SIR. Jackmo just tried to crapple the man’s finish while heavy’d. Bad form… but gets clocked for the 3 anyway. Jackmo wants a handshake but Danny is like, fuck your nasty shrimp hands. Leave. Aight match. No crappling, fellas. Aisu cuts an enigmatic promo where I’m not sure if he’s shittalking Everett or trying to hit on him Cardassian style. KD says he never beat Cobra. Interesting. Most people have. Tag titles? KD teases a tag team? Interesting. Watch yer fuckin FPR though. God knows we don’t need crapples in stereo. Was fun writing this promo. Minio is am do good at pen. We also procrastinate equally. Jackmo graciously offers to help the staff find a better deal on shrimp. Tweener? Truly the wrestling world is confusing. Cobra’s look is pretty good. Decent start, back and forth with Cobra using agility and KD using power. KD’s new SHW and immovable object let him tank dropkicks, which he tries to hit Cobra off of. Not sure on the ethics of that… do I like SHW with 4 revs? I dunno. It’s free advantage if you just spam smacky button after randomly failing to fall over. It looks good used sparingly as a big guy tank spot but I don’t trust KD to use anything sparingly. Cobra botches a dive but it’s okay, he lands it on the 2nd try. KD is going off the top, knees first? Careful old man! Somehow cobra lays KD straight out with a slap lol. POWER. KD hits the pounce! SOMEHOW Cobra gets KD up for the GTS… damn what dat boi been juicing on? Only a two. Heartbreaking. Counters the spear! Hits his aerial fin I’ve never seen! Yooo! Only a two. Damn. KD goes to spear Cobra but he narrowly dodges, sending KD to the floor! Match is actually pretty good now. Bounces off ropes for momentum and dive… yeah Cobra has momentum and everything. Wild. KD Parkers. Sigh. Misses the aerial! Reverses the spear! Misses the aerial! The pain of flying fins. KD goes top rope, holy hell. AC dodges again, and misses an enzu as KD sells lol. KD as always immediately mashes punch. AC stalls for his rev and then eats a spear as soon as KD can possibly do it. Sigh. Watching at 2X speed I didn’t catch too many HARD FPR breaks--keep in mind I’m not as attentive as when going at normal speed, but KD still played a bit cheesy weesy as usual. Dunno why he has SHW now. Cobra deserved that win honestly, it was getting hype at the end. Ah well. P3 Bonanza! Kind of meandering, IMO, not one of the better ones. I am interested in Mugen’s safety course… but Doc is not. Not sure what he’s doing in the audience if he only intends to tell Mugen and Drago to fuck off… he bought a ticket just to heckle? Kinda petty, huh? I dunno, this RP didn’t seem to have much of a point overall. Emp in casual gear. Nnnnnniicccceeee--I mean, no, how disrespectful. What does she think this is, a slumber party? With Ted around, that’s dangerous. Been a while since I’ve heard Zoe’s wonderful theme. She has such a punchable face, seriously. Imugenation into the ropes! Yeezus Kanye, Zoe is getting her whole ass ate. The second low blow of the show… what are we, Uncensored 96? Zoe tries to save a rev but gets caught with a finish… lose lose situation there, kickout though. Did Emp dub in some dialogue during the taunts? The “why won’t you die!” sounds like a soulcaliber dialogue, lol. Great little detail from one of our finest production quality havers. Emp loses it and DQs herself by attacking Zoe with a chair! Good way to get over her needing therapy, being so angry her opponent won’t lose after a 10 minute ass kicking that she gives them the W. Comp wise, this was one of those things where nobody made any huge mistakes but one person just had much better spacing and so with the resets came the tide of the match. Rust is Rusty with Zoe, probably. More people fuckin with Rust! This time he has a point though… the turn on Spider did feel rather unnecessary, as he hadn’t really done anything to them till that point. Love the details, like using Quartz just looking at him funny as a plot point. Really unsure whether Rust is gonna stick to his honor and get his confidence back (after all a loss to B17 isn’t exactly unexpected), or let the doubters get to him and fester some indignation at his partner. Very good story so far! Dragana comeback tease? Put that uppity weeb in her place? Nice little quick tease with Parca’s masked opponent--obviously he’s doing Joop’s moves, so you think it’s him, but is that too obvious and it’s someone else? Salami feeling jilted? He did disappear after all. Another rookie who’s faded into the BG? Or is it a double swerve and the obvious answer is the right one? We’ll see. That laugh was… awkward. Too much on the voice modulator, sounded like a robot having a surprise orgasm. Parca is such a wholesome fellow. Odd placement here after being attacked, I know it’s a prev rec. vignette but it would look a bit odd on an actual show to have them next to each other. Nice interaction with the different personalities, Aisu being a very assholey and dislikable yet interesting fellow. Elijah is certainly a dude. Triple threat M.E. RP -- Best one of the show so far, IMO. Real killer, all three guys come across well--though Sparks’ line about making H2O a puddle is cringe-worthy, lol. Sparks comes off hungry, H2O comes off smug and snarky but competitive, and Tre definitely has the best lines. “DoOm MacHINe.” Tre’s really been on fire lately, as aggressive as he needs to be without ever crossing over the babyface line. He just says he’s gonna beat you, engages in a bit of fair mockery, and then does. His time to shine and he deserves it. Me vs Boob: Enjoyed it. He does need to keep in mind attacking me as I enter IS a Parker, even if it never worked cause he didn’t know about the invincibility during entry and exit animations, lol. Ashley is certainly in a not-nice mood. Sure, Flojo can be annoying, but does poor Jim Black deserve that nasty attitude? Kinda eh on this one. Once again, Leo playin mind games with Jehst. I think this direction works a little better than just constant threats of deliverance. The alliance thing didn’t quite work out, but hey, as long as it turns into something. Jesus, see what I mean about faces acting heelish? Harvey cracks Doc one in the back of the head, Ash does it to Flojo… badass faces who just attack anyone can work, but are best if used sparingly. Not everyone can be Stone Cold, ‘cause not everyone can pull it off without looking like a vindictive dickweed. If your character just superkicks everyone they say they can beat in the ring they look like a wuss with anger management issues. Like, I get people wanna have ATTITUDE and TAKE NO SHIT, but part of being someone people wanna cheer for is being the bigger man/woman. If you do attack the heel, it should be face to face, or after the heel has really pushed you. And just enough to knock them on their ass, show who’s the better competitor in a fair brawl--extended beatdowns are more brutal, which is heelish unless deserved. Basically, if it’s just two people attacking each other, they BOTH seem like heels and you won’t get as much heat going into the match. My two canadian cents. Not gonna do a detailed commentary on the main event... seeing as I did commentary on the main event. I will say B17 is surprisingly fun to commentate with for someone I argue with all the time. My favorite match of the night, Tre once again kicking ass… with the help of a running fin, of course. ;) Minio quits! Oh shit! I’m sorry, man, learn the frame data! Where this will lead, I am interested. Overall, really solid show RP wise but the matches were kinda all right IMO. Best RP was the main event triple threat hype, best match was also the main event. Runner-up RPs were the Rust Cohle Bret’s Shadow Saga and Terra/H2O/Heather. Also wanna shout out to some old shit, I really appreciated the build to the Int. title stuff with Archer a PPV or two ago. The tournament setup, everyone interacting on stage, with a classic heel to chase--really felt like RASSLIN, like everyone wants this title. A lot more fluid than the very sectioned-off feuds we get when writers talk to who they’re fighting and nobody else. Spoilers and such, I know, but I like interaction. Closing thoughts: Please follow the fucking rules, people. Why do we have them if KD is immune? We just say we respect his legacy yadda yadda--I've been here, what, three years and all I know of him is he has not followed the rules for those 3 years. Sissies etc. Also, chill on the tweener stuff IMO. You don’t have to crack a motherfucker on the head with a chair because he called your mom fat. You can just call his mom fat. Nomsayin?
  11. I fucked up the quote formatting and am not retyping so B said: Finally we are getting a Cort face turn. I think it's very important what Jehst told him. "Treat everyone like an afterthought... and all you become is afterthought because that's all you beat" That's not what he said, lol. It wasn't about shitting on people and then losing, because heel Cort has always ate what he said at some point in time--I'm very careful about that. He also puts people over in match build promos, go back and read any of 'em. It's about keeping friends to have your back cause if you shit on everybody else and act self-centered you'll be stuck eating by yourself at the sad cunt table. Actual line: "You keep treating everybody around you like an afterthought and you’ll be one yourself." Anyway thanks for the reviews y'all. Just wanted to make sure what I wrote is coming across right.
  12. I'm glad our match was liked. I think it's a good example of how to be competitive without being thoisty babbus. Will read sometime next couple days and review.
  13. I tend to be much kinder to shorter matches cause I kinda watch stuff like I watch real wrestling--that is to say too many kickouts starts to devalue stuff a bit. I'm always one for "when will they hit the finisher" as a method of tension rather than "how many times will they/what will it take." Course that's hard to do when you're not working. I just know at some point you DO have to work, in that due to the way the pin meter functions, people proficient enough in timing can just refuse to lose. It's a mixed thing, you get some great surprise moments, but I'd also kinda like the finality of the No Mercy/Fire Pro system where at some point the game decides you're too knackered to get up no matter what.
  14. Aight I'm gonna post my thoughts without reading the thread beforehand, so my views remain like AC Cobra: virgin. Apologies if I retread old ground by doing so. Caine vs Lee: Very good match. Clean, good back and forth, not too long, tells a good story in-ring. Good way to start the PPV. Jehst vs TY: Few too many dropkicks by jehst. Rev management! FPR break after mashing fin after TY kicked him. I do like the interactions between him and B though. YUGE frog splash. “I say hey man how you doin and he’s just stuffin oranges in a sock” -- I laughed at this line, but I'm not sure if it's meant to be a reference to sock beatings like in Full Metal Jacket or if B17 is just so weird he sticks fruit in clothing. Abrupt finish but running fins tend to be like that unless ya build up to ‘em. Jackman v Horse: “The Odor of the Phoenix” Aight match. Jackman had chances to press advantage but didn’t. Man needs DM time, his weirdo persona and moveset have potential as we've seen. Archer vs Watts: Pretty good, archer wrestles real dangerous, almost not seeming to give a fuck bout his revs and using timing instead. Both guys play their characters well and I thought Watts had it won a few times! Emp vs Ash: Great until that cage escape moment… can’t exactly do Bret and Owen timing in 2k. How does this 3 ft tall asian woman do deadlift suplexes? Pretty good match, chain bit was cool, not sure about the rope pin though… did the ref break the count or did Emp let Ashley out? Right woman won, if she indeed did really win. Uncrowned vs CQC: Uncrowned are dressed like turrorists bro. Good start, nice character work with UC being a bit heelish. Everett resets real short, while Cohle walks back to give space he just walks forward from where he’s bumped. Not a fan of that. Makes me feel crowded. Polite after reversal whiffs though, as ya should. Love the tag team whip spot. Uncrowned seeming to have trouble hitting their reversals and get handily machined down by Foreman Quartz and Superintendent Cole Chalmers. OH SHIT! The turn! It finally happened! And as a nice subversion, the more hotheaded aggressive Everett is the face here. Big story comin’ up… but who fights CQC? Golden Cobra? Rookies who wanna team, this is your chance! Great job by comms selling this event. They’re so genuine. Parca vs Wrex: Even battle for a bit but a couple bad reversals is all it takes to get mulched. Big kickout! Blowing a kiss to Wrex is a great way to seal Parca’s fight-crazy character. Big comeback off that knee combo! Damn, Wrex is losing his cool as Parca will not go down! Damn shame about that well-earned trouble in Tijuana missing… 2k bruh. It’ll only be worse in 20. Wrex doing another one of those “you’ll walk backwards but I won’t” resets… into a fin attempt. Hmm. Love the fin revs, both guys are on the ball. Love that Wrex is now powdering out and going “ah shit ah shit” in response to Parca’s gaining ground. That rebound ddt is gorgeous. Oh shit popup T.I.T.! Shoulda been over but ah well. See how the rev game can really screw ya late match. Parca kicks out again! Wrex grabs a chair! Spots are still comin fast and crazy, though it’s kinda hit kickout critical mass for me. Wrex kinda scrambles away from a miss there… along with the rollups I can smell some thirst! Movin in and out too. Parca refuses to sell a sig or take a fin. Pretty great fight but the OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD bled through a bit there in the latter third. Blaine vs Valk: Hot start! Love the back and forth, Valk taking Blaine down but the latter says NOPE and just dumps her out like a bitch. Thump thump thump into the barricades. Great bit with Valk trying for the countout here. Still hittin too many kickouts IMO… the first two from each, aight, but at some point it stops adding surprise factor and starts adding "your finisher looks weak now/also I'm checking my watch" factor. Great ending though, the “give up and leave” spot is so heel and so antithetical to past face Valk… wait... OH SHIT CASH IN! What a way to have a surprise cash-in, just suddenly backstage (I thought Blaine was gonna follow her…) Though kicking out of two fins while injured is a bit much. Resil OK, but I woulda maybe lost to the knee. Moore with some bad bad rev management choices but just by the skin of her teeth manages to clinch the match. What a storyline! I’m glad that’s the reason it was 28 minutes long, rather than B17 just refusing to stop kicking out because he’s bored and wants to see how mad he can make an Italian. Dupree in the HOF: Great segment with Dupree. Be nice to have more bits like that, explaining the who’s and why’s of OCW moments past without having to archive dive like Jake The Cake Roberts does in his spare time. Spider vs Bobby: Love Spider’s disrespectful nature and aura of unpredictability. Nobody like him in the company, even if nobody likes him in the company. Nice move from Bobby selling the aggression of the match by just THUMPING him with a superkick from jump. GET IN HIS ASS LIKE A FART! The magic counter aura counters Bobby’s knee ligaments functioning. Bobby can’t quite seem to end it! A fucking tragic loss to an ass bounce and a Khallas, jesus. Bobby get back in those DMs, you had him! Match had a hot storyline going in, but both men seem to suffer from kinda vaguely not being sure what to do syndrome, a bit of meandering back and forth and returning to the same well. Still has good heat coming out with Spider's CRASH TV belt switcheroo/reunification angle. H2O vs KD: Is that a can I hear in the background at the start? Eh, sounds more like a 40 gallon jug. Calm down on the sauce, Jake, you fanatical fasting motherfucker. KD’s lost his contacts and is crawling on the ground… KD’s attire is a weird decision but H2O lookin fly as usual. KD crapples immediately. C’MON MAN! Fiery start from Harvard Too Online, but KD mulches him on the outside. Oooh shit barricade leg drop! That’s Nastier than a Saggy Knobb! Tons of hardcore brouhaha before KD spears himself through a table. Now that’s one in a million. H2O Parkers KD to debut his new fin! Cool win in storyline, shoulda ended earlier out of it IMO. Didn’t expect a psychological masterpiece, but spotfests get tiring after too long. Shame H2O couldn't jump off the ladder to outside, I know he was thinking of it because I've tried it myself. Overall: Decent PPV. Highs were mostly early in the show, with the later matches having good stories but tending to run long, on an already long PPV--though the storylines through and after the matches held up for sure. Promos were thin thank god. Great looking arena (black and gold is the classiest combo, ask John Players). Commentary was on point for the entire run, they just work so well together. Better than most RL commentators. The energy and genuine excitement combined with witty back and forth and knowledge makes me wanna put the mic down myself, lol. Definitely brought the matches up. Highlights: Caine vs Lee, Archer vs Watts, Women's Cash-in Storyline, Mega-Brit-Powers Explode, assorted high spots in every match, Wrex vs Parca, historical connection with 15 year history references, John Cena followed us on Twitter (please never mention this again), H2O's attire. Mehlights: Length, length, length, thirst, KD copypasta-ing Balor's paint. Overall I'd give it a B solid. EDIT: I forgot to add, Jehst promo was a solid way of getting past the loss and keeping heat, and the Heather/H2O ones have had great development over the years. Unlike Inception, har har. But seriously.
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